How to Make Shared Custody Easier On Your Kids

When parents split up, it’s common for their children to live for part of the time with each parent. This is often referred to as shared custody, although the modern term is ‘shared residence’.

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Please note: this article describes the legal position in England and Wales, and not all of the information applies to Scotland or Northern Ireland.

This can be an emotional time for your children, so it’s important not to decide living arrangements without fully considering their needs and wishes.

Listen carefully to what your children want. Involve them in the decision-making process. Where would they prefer to live or go to school? Would they prefer to stay near grandparents, other relatives, or friends who can offer support? Are there other arrangements they’d prefer, such as living with one parent and spending time with the other parent outside the home?

The CAFCASS co-parenting hub offers tips and advice to help children through this major change in living arrangements.

Making shared residence work

If your children prefer shared residence, you and your ex-partner may need to make a few lifestyle compromises. Shared custody works best if both parents continue to live fairly close to one another and to key parts of your child’s life, such as school and family.

While it will not always be possible to maintain a good relationship with your former partner, try to agree shared residence arrangements without involving the courts. Securing a shared residence order through the courts should be a last resort, as it can be costly and stressful. It can also strain relations between parents and upset your children.

Instead, agree a visitation schedule with your ex-partner. Sometimes called a parenting plan, this is a written plan worked out between you and your ex to deal with the practical issues in your child’s life, such as living arrangements, education, and healthcare. It helps both parties understand what is expected of them, gives you a reference point, and helps provide your child with stability.

You can formalise this plan by asking a solicitor to draw up a residence agreement, sometimes known as a custody agreement. If it becomes necessary to involve the family courts, judges will likely expect you to have tried to agree a parenting plan first, so this should be your first attempt at resolving the issue.

If you do need to ask a court to decide your child’s residence arrangements, the court will place the child’s welfare above all else. CAFCASS may also be available to support you and your child if the court considers this appropriate.

Your next steps for shared custody

If you and your ex are unable to agree residence arrangements, consider mediation. This involves you and your partner speaking to a trained professional who can help you reach an amicable agreement. Mediation is often quicker, cheaper, and more effective than going to court. Legal aid may also be available for mediation if your income is low.

Family mediators are often trained to speak to children too. If your child is happy to speak to the mediator, involve them in this process. It can help reduce their stress over events that may feel random and beyond their control, while also improving communication between you and your children. Find a suitable mediator through the Family Mediation Council.

Going through a break-up is difficult for everyone involved, especially for children, who can feel left out, unloved, and even blame themselves for the separation. Taking the time to understand their worries and meet their needs, while using professional support where appropriate, is the best way to make the process easier for them and for you.